Momentarily Pushing Aside the Past
by Claradare
Summary: "Natsu didn't say outright what bothered him, but Lucy knew. How could she not? She'd been there, before...but was she one to give him comfort, now?" Just a one-shot. Concerns Igneel. Takes place after chapter 438. Friendship Nalu.


***Yo! I just had a lot of thoughts about what's been going on in the Manga lately, and decided to put this up. Sorry to everyone waiting for the next chapter of the Black Onyx - it's on its way: I swear! Though there will be some hefty edits I hope you guys'll be okay with (nervous chuckle). Anyways, enjoy!***

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She sat half-twisted in the chair before her desk, staring at him with wide, astounded eyes. Her heart pounded against her ribcage. She gripped her pen tightly, trying to stop her hand from shaking so much.

How had she landed herself in this situation?

The words he'd said to her—words that had sparked her panic—echoed around in her head, their true meaning settling deeper and deeper into her consciousness as they did so:

 _"Maybe if I hadn't o' left, the guild would o' stayed together. I could o' knocked some sense into Gramps! But…I…don't think I could o' stayed."_

He'd turned his gaze sharply away from her, then. His words weren't a riddle to her. She didn't seek to understand the messages underneath, but she did understand, all the same. The moment the words had left his mouth, it had come to her:

Igneel.

Instantly, a confusing array of emotions had begun swirling within her: nervousness, confusion, curiosity, concern, wariness. Almost every day since meeting Natsu, she'd thought about Igneel at least once. Natsu's tireless search for his (admittedly, unconventional) father had been what brought them together, after all. Besides that, it had been increasingly clear to Lucy over the course of their time together—throughout the friendship that only grew stronger—that he cared a lot about Igneel. He loved him with the entirety of that extraordinary heart of his, probably thought about him all the time, sought to grow into the good man he came closer to being every day in his adoptive father's name. When Igneel died, it had driven Natsu to leave his entire life behind for an entire year.

That's how painful it had been for him.

Lucy bit her lip, thoughts flying at the speed of shooting stars while anxiety mounted within her.

Because here Natsu was, after that year, still wounded and bewildered and struggling more than any of them were allowed to see. And this was probably about as close as he was ever going to get to opening up to anyone.

But…it was to Lucy.

She didn't the person to give advice about this.

Things weren't the same, anymore.

Natsu had left. Left Fairy Tail. Left her. And she got it—really, she did—but that didn't mean it didn't hurt when she looked at him sometimes, or that the last year hadn't brought her too many miserable, lonely days to count. It didn't mean

But Lucy understood.

…She was working on it.

It had just been a rough year, was all.

Though, it was easier, now that she was surrounded by her friends, starting over together—the way it was supposed to be. Fresh starts were Lucy's forte! And with the people she cared about most in the world by her side, she _definitely_ had this in the bag. Once the warmth of being with them had rediscovered its home in her chest—a home that had too-long been vacant—her imagination had begun tugging her forward, to all the adventures that surely awaited her, all the memories she had yet to make. The future was looking brighter than it had in a long time.

Only now—with the boy who'd grabbed her hand and started it all, sitting on the bed, refusing to meet her eye and looking sad in a way that reached straight into her chest and twisted painfully—it was it occurring to her that she shouldn't forget that, for Natsu, looking towards the future wouldn't be so easy.

Not yet.

The pain of losing a parent. One she knew all too well—though, of course, pain wasn't comparable and she was sure she was the last person to understand what Natsu was going through, really. Here she'd thought she'd known him, kept an eye out for him, understood his moods as well as he'd seemed to understand hers, and yet she'd been completely floored when she found the almost laughingly bad goodbye note he'd left her. So much for knowing someone.

But…she knew he was sad, now.

Slowly, Lucy's heartbeat and shaking calmed. The fear faded. She set the pen aside and folded her hands in her lap, absently rubbing the pink guild mark with a thumb; the texture of the tattooed skin was just a _little_ different from the rest.

 _A fine mess our enemies put us in,_ she thought drily. There was just…nothing _good_ that had arisen from any of it, at least not in her book. Lucy had lost Aquarius, then Natsu and Happy, and then—one by one—everyone else. She'd watched her friends scatter like they were leaves in the wind instead of the foundation to the little life she'd forged her way into, and held so dear. And even though it wasn't any of their fault, even though there was no one to blame but their enemies, that didn't mean the memories she'd made with them weren't tinted now, marked as something precious she'd lost. It didn't mean that the year hadn't brought her to her knees more times than one. It didn't mean she hadn't been lonely. And it didn't mean that she and Natsu could just jump straight back into the easy closeness they'd had before.

But here he was, and even though a year had passed—a year of wondering if she'd ever really known him at all—she knew some of what was going on with him. How couldn't she? Losing someone dear…she'd been there before. Years had passed, and she planned on many more passing, but none of them would make her forget how hard the deaths of her mother and father had been. For her, navigating grief had felt almost impossible. Every step she'd taken had been hard-earned, full of harsh words she spat at kind servants who didn't deserve it, and confusion and endless tears.

Determination steeled in Lucy's heart. She clasped her hands tightly in her lap.

Before, Natsu had never truly _lost_ anyone the way she had. Lisanna had come back. He'd saved Erza and Gray when they tried to sacrifice themselves. Fatalities had been avoided since Lucy joined the guild, thanks to how loyally everyone watched each other's backs and protected each other, and believed in the power of friendship and family.

But things were different now, for Natsu. That consistent life had run its course—something having to give, some story inevitably needing to end. He'd lost his father. And there was no changing it.

And though she hadn't been able to protect him from that, she _could_ protect him, now. She could protect him from fearing the answers to the questions that had plagued _her,_ after the greatest tragedy of her childhood—a time that would already have been hard enough without that fear.

For that moment, Lucy found the strength to push the previous year aside, along with the well of hurt and confusion that filled her whenever she thought about Natsu.

"When I lost my mom," she began, voice soft, and he whipped his head around to stare at her. Surprise flashed across those large, sharp eyes. "It was like…" she struggled. Finally, "It was like I couldn't breathe. All the sadness and the rage just…crushed my chest. For _years_. I couldn't figure out how to breathe for _years._ To be honest, I don't know if my dad ever really did relearn, before he passed away." She lifted her head, leveling her gaze on his.

Natsu's pulse spiked.

Since reuniting with Lucy, he'd mostly seen her smiling; Lucy was _always_ smiling. She had the best unfaltering "I'm taking you on, world!" grin of anyone he'd ever known. But there'd also been a lot of pain—raw, and purely Lucy. It was pain he no longer knew how to reach out and soothe, even though he hated it, because it had been so long and he was in pain, too, and he didn't know how how to fix her when he couldn't figure out how to fix himself.

But now, there was something else; a different brand of suffering. One that was older, and wiser, and had calloused over but was still there. Pain that had existed since long before he knew her, but which he hadn't had the experience to recognize, or else hadn't been looking for.

Until now.

As they eyed each other, she changed right in front of him. Her eyes softened, expression turning into something kind and gentle that made Natsu realize exactly who Lucy was probably maturing to be a lot like: a person he'd never known and never would get the chance to, who would never read the letters her smart, funny daughter wrote to her. The kind of person Natsu had no memory of having ever had for himself.

 _A mom,_ he thought. Lucy looked like a mom. Warm. Soft. Patient. Fierce. Understanding. The kind of person who would always open their arms and heart for you, always forgive you, always hug you when you were sad and listen thoughtfully to your problems.

But he couldn't tease her for looking like a weirdo, because she had him, for that brief space of time. Natsu had trained hard this whole year, with the very specific and purposeful goal of being able to take care of the comrades who were everything to him and _not_ the other way around. But right then, Lucy—who hadn't trained as much as him, who could never have won a fight against him— _had_ Natsu, and for a second, his defenses started slipping before he'd even realized it was happening.

But after a moment, her expression morphed back into the Lucy neutral. She leaned back, and the moment was gone. Twisting forward in her chair, she took up her pen once more. "Take your time, Natsu," she said, eyes already fixed on the manuscript in front of her. The way she said it, he knew she meant it. Like she knew exactly what she was talking about. "Nothing will speed it up or make it easier. Your chest just gets strong enough to bear the weight of the pain and breathe at the same time."

The sound of her pen scratching the paper, normally quite loud to him, barely reached his ears.

For a long time, all he could do was stare.

 _How much of her voice did you hear when you were in there, Dad?_ he wondered. After considering his own question for a few moments, it occurred to him that the answer was probably "a lot" seeing as Lucy had almost always been by his side, screeching like a banshee.

He snorted.

A pair of suspicious brown eyes turned to him.

From the look of her, and the renewed clearness on the air, he figured that she'd moved past their little moment. That was fine by him; he didn't much want to sit around talking about it, anyway—though, oddly, he felt a little better now. For so much of his time in the woods, he'd actively devoted all his focus to the next task: Pack the bag. Catch some fish. On harder days, the tasks became smaller: Do another pushup. Take another step.

Now, Lucy had explained to him—confidently and in clear terms—what would happen if he didn't push himself to heal faster or to be the person he used to be. Without debating the matter much, he figured, maybe, that was his new task.

"And just what are you laughing about?" she inquired, a bit testy.

Not wanting to get Loud Lucy back in business, he shook his head. "We gotta go on missions soon…gotta earn a livin', somehow."

The effect his words had on her was instantaneous. Lucy's face lit up, and she said, "Heck, yeah, we do! I've gotta pay my freakin' rent!"

As she babbled about whether or not Lamia Scale or Sabertooth would let them pick some notices off their job boards, about convincing old clients to accept their work again, and about maybe going on some S-Class Missions with Erza now that they were all so much strong, Natsu stared. He only half-listened.

 _You were sad without everyone. Weren't you, Lucy?_ He thought as her hands flew animatedly, eyes lost in her thoughts. _But things'll be different, now. I'll figure out how to breathe_ while _I'm protecting you. The adventure continues, Luce._

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 ***Aaaand that's a wrap! I didn't bring up Aquarius or anything...honestly, I never even thought about doing it, really. I'll leave that to ol' Mashima. Hope you guys liked it! Cheers!**

 **PS: for anyone who missed the bold lettering at the top, Ch. 12 of the Black Onyx will be up soon - with lots of edits on the previous chapters (don't kill me!). Sorry for posting this before getting to that!***


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